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Gerald’s Talking Dog Essay Contest 2014: Second Place

BlanketDog

Illustration © 2014, Peter DeVoe

By Janet DeChambly

Gerald’s talking dog loves cherries. That’s all he talks about. This got Gerald into considerable trouble with the ASPCA as cherries can be fatally toxic to dogs. This was not the first time his dog’s mouth got him into trouble.

Once, during an episode of “The Price is Right”, Gerald’s talking dog didn’t like how the game show host encouraged his human viewers to “help control the pet population.” The dog organized all of the other neighborhood dogs to stampede the parking lot of the local CBS station. The dogs shouted “We will not be controlled! We will not be controlled!” Gerald’s dog was identified as the ringleader and was arrested for inciting a riot.

Loose lips and a lack of impulse control are not a good combination for anyone, let alone a dog. Gerald, who was not especially great with the ladies, was terrified to have potential mates meet his dog. Once, when Gerald was lucky enough to bring someone home, his dog proceeded to tell his date that “Gerald likes to blow his nose in the shower.” and to “be careful if you go in there, because sometimes those snot rockets don’t go down the drain but rather dry up on the side of the shower and some are quite large and could scratch you.” After this outburst, Gerald put his dog in his crate where he proceeded to howl classic country music all night. His date left and said that while his dog was not necessarily a deal breaker, she would seriously have to think about whether or not she could date anyone with a mouthy dog.

Of course, Gerald’s talking dog knew that his master was lonely and felt bad about the incident. One day, while Gerald was at work, his dog decided to find a mate for his beloved owner. He put a singles ad on a questionable dating site that read “seeking woman for man who smells nice and makes cutting toe nails not scary.” Not knowing his phone number, the dog listed contact information as “second house on the left from A&W.”

That night, there was a knock on the door. Gerald, not expecting anyone, reluctantly answered. A disheveled woman looked at him and said, “I have been waiting my whole life for you.”

“Oh? I’m sorry, you must have the wrong house.”

“No. I don’t.” and she tried to make her way into the house. Gerald quickly tried to close the door, but the woman pushed, pleading “let me in! we are meant to be!”

Terrified now, Gerald called for help from his dog. The dog, knowing full well that his plan had backfired stayed buried under a blanket on the couch. Gerald managed to get the front door closed and bolted. He peered out the window to see the woman standing on his front lawn, appearing to have a conversation with a lawn ornament. Gerald called the police and looked at his dog.

“What the hell was that all about?” Gerald asked.

“No clue.” his dog muttered, quite convincingly. “What do you say we eat some cherries and forget the whole thing ever happened?”

See all the winning submissions from current and past entries here.

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