BREAKING: Jordan Bates Cleans His Room!

BREAKING: Jordan Bates Cleans His Room!

From staff reports

There’s breaking news in downtown Frankfort, Michigan, tonight. Jordan Bates has cleaned his room!

The Betsie Current co-editor and all-around-town cheery good guy has lived almost his entire life in Frankfort (in the purple house near the stoplight) and he’s known for good jokes, winning at trivia, bad jokes while fishing, and his reliability not to clean his room.

Bates has also patented a reputation as something of a hoarder and as a procrastinator. At any given time, hundreds of pizza boxes, dozens of mattresses, and multiple copies of the long-winded board games Risk and World of Warcraft have been found, under dirty jeans, 3 layers deep on the floor of his basement.

In fact, Bates’ messy room has complicated the ability of the Frankfort Fire Department to legally get insurance to serve the entire town. Documents obtained by the Betsie Current through the Freedom of Information Act revealed that the local firemen actually have a “no go zone” that includes a 10-foot perimeter around Bates’ bedroom.

Amidst this impressive legacy, Bates’ girlfriend, Aubrey Parker, was astonished to return home Friday evening from coaching a girl’s soccer match to a clean bedroom. “I was like WHAAAAAATT?” she exclaimed with a giggle. “After 10 years of me telling Jordan to clean his room, he finally did it.”

However, longtime friend Dan Herd was not impressed.

“Jordan’s a sly and fox-like character,” Herd said via a Skype interview. “Remember that he coaches volleyball. I’ll bet that Jordan convinced someone on the losing side of tonight’s match to clean his room for him.”

Economic benefit for Frankfort

Analysts and forecasters at Bloomberg News foresee Frankfort getting an economic boost from Jordan Bates cleaning his bedroom. The ripples are already beginning to cross the pond.

At Stormcloud Brewery, brewer Brian Confer plans to unveil a new double hopped IPA called “Jordan’s Stinky Socks” that he insists will be a best-seller. Rick Schmitt, who co-owns Stormcloud and the next-door Garden Theater, is considering planning a movie night and gala around Bates’ turnabout.

Down the street at Frankfort City Hall, Josh Mills plans to present Bates with a medal of honor. Mills has already fielded calls from a couple adventurist filmmakers in the Grand Rapids area who are convinced that a chest of Confederate gold exists under Bates’ dirty jeans and pizza boxes. They plan to film next weekend.

In nearby Benzonia, Grow Benzie executive director Josh Stoltz plans to hold an educational seminar in Bates’ room where area high school students can learn what plants and wildlife have grown there over the past 30 years. “I’ll bet we’ll find things that we can include in the tacos our foodtruck sells in the summertime,” said Stoltz with a toothy grin.

And on Crystal Lake, dancer and avant garde filmmaker Dan Kelly planned an interpretative dance based on Bates’ room cleaning, which he will present in May at the Mills Community House.

Jordan Bates could not be reached for comment. A little weirded out by all the attention, he skipped down Main Street to the Villa to hide in a booth from the onslaught of media attention.

The Associated Press contributed to this story.

Actually, have you seen what today’s date is? Sorry, but if you believe this story, you’ve been punked. Happy April Fool’s Day! (In other words, Jordan Bates didn’t actually clean his room.)

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Jacob Wheeler

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