{"id":5176,"date":"2024-01-17T12:29:57","date_gmt":"2024-01-17T17:29:57","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/betsiecurrent.com\/?p=5176"},"modified":"2024-01-17T12:29:58","modified_gmt":"2024-01-17T17:29:58","slug":"when-you-are-in-your-80s-why-wait","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/betsiecurrent.com\/index.php\/when-you-are-in-your-80s-why-wait\/","title":{"rendered":"When You\u2019re In Your 80s, Why Wait?"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Dodie Toman and Fred Snow make a commitment<\/em><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

By Keith Schneider<\/strong>
Current Contributor<\/strong>

Dodie Toman, who lives across the street from us in Benzonia, came to our house on a mission the other day. First, to gift us with a fresh-baked lemon meringue pie. And second, to explain her virtue as a practitioner of old-school dating principles.

\u201cYou know when we told you about the first time I stayed over at his house? Well, he was a perfect gentleman. And I was a proper Methodist lady,\u201d she said. As she was leaving, Dodie emphasized the point. \u201cI had on my flannel gown, up to my chin and down to my toes. He stayed on his side of the bed. I stayed on mine.\u201d

In this free-wheeling, hyper-sexualized, privacy-shattering, tell-all, social-media era of conjugal antics, the image of Dodie Toman and Fred Snow\u2014newly dating with righteous probity\u2014was simultaneously comical and comforting.

Just a few hours before, Dodie and Fred had sat for an interview about their lives, their relationship, and their decision to marry in September. Several data points prompted my interest. She\u2019s 80 years old. He\u2019s 87. Both are in their third marriages.\u00a0

It\u2019s not that typical. The U.S. Census data finds that eight percent of men and six percent of women over the age of 70 are in their third marriages.

There\u2019s also good reason for people experienced in marriage to be really careful. Anybody who has been married, even once, knows that a commitment of this enormity is an invitation to discovery and delusion, proximity and estrangement, comfort and calamity.\u00a0

The geography of their lives, as I anticipated, is rich in experience\u2014marital and everything else. We covered a lot of territory in the interview, including the bedroom.

\u201cWe are very fortunate to have found each other,\u201d Dodie said. \u201cWe\u2019re not alone anymore. You know, we\u2019re together. Last night, we went and played cards with friends. On the way home, he said to me, \u2018Had I not met you, I\u2019d be driving home by myself.\u2019\u201d

Fred then said:\u00a0

\u201cIt\u2019s so nice to have a loving, caring person. We do love each other. It\u2019s a whole lot better than being alone.\u201d

And that, I learned, is the emotional texture of their marriage. A bit of levity. A lot of love, grace, and companionship. All were achieved by the opportunities afforded in an unanticipated relationship that ripened very quickly.

Good Neighbor and Friend<\/strong>
Dodie has lived across the road for nearly a decade now, and while we leaned on each other the way that good neighbors and friends do from time to time, we had never reached a stage of familiarity that deeply explored her background, or mine. The interview revealed more details.

Dodie was born in Chicago and, with her family, moved to Charlotte, southwest of Lansing, when she was 10 years old. She married Keith Garity, her high school sweetheart, who she describes as a nomad and a skilled craftsman, builder, and laborer. About half of her 43-year marriage to Garity was spent in northern Georgia, where she raised their four children and worked as an office manager and secretary. At the start of this century, they moved to Thompsonville, one of Benzie County\u2019s six villages. Keith died in 2002.\u00a0\u00a0

Meanwhile, Fred was born in Jackson, Michigan, where his father was an electrical engineer. One of four boys, he started his college education at Michigan State University, then transferred to Central Michigan University to join a younger brother. Central was a teachers\u2019 college at the time, so he became a teacher. He began his career in the Lake Orion School District, northwest of Detroit, where over the next 30-plus years, he moved quickly up the ladder from teacher to principal to district superintendent. In 1990, he and his first wife, Joanna, retired to a home they owned in Frankfort.

Both Dodie and Fred, I learned, are experts in loss and loneliness.\u00a0

Between them were two long first marriages, that ended in untimely deaths, and two shorter second marriages, which also were cut short by terminal illnesses. When Kurt Toman, Dodie\u2019s second husband, died in 2019, she was over at the house and told me, \u201cI\u2019ve buried two husbands. I can\u2019t bury another. I just can\u2019t.\u201d

During the next three years, Dodie lived a quiet life of family, friends, dancing, playing cards, and attending services and events at the United Methodist Church in Frankfort. She worried about her financial situation and being forced to move from a house she might not be able to afford. That threat subsided when one of her granddaughters moved into the ground floor along with her husband and son. They stayed a year.

Stories are about structure\u2014timing, place, and people. So here are three more important details.\u00a0

Last fall, I was out making our garden ready for winter, when Dodie wandered over and told me that a man was coming to pick her up for an event. She didn\u2019t mention his name. I didn\u2019t ask.

Early last winter, my wife, Gabrielle Gray, and I were in the kitchen when Dodie knocked on the door, all smiles and quivering like a schoolgirl. She sat down and smiled at us, her eyes shining. \u201cI\u2019m seeing somebody,\u201d she confided. \u201cI\u2019m so happy.\u201d

In February, as I recall, a white Ram 1500 pick-up truck showed up in Dodie\u2019s driveway in the afternoons. One morning, however, it was still there. I don\u2019t remember when we met Fred who, we gradually recognized, was a Michigan man, straight out of central casting\u2014sturdy, smart, heartfelt, a career educator, a hunter and fisherman who can swing a hammer or crank a wrench to fix or build damn near anything.

Incrementally and quite perceptibly, Dodie began experiencing a succession of transformations. When we crossed paths, her mood was brighter. Her appearance changed, too. Always a pretty woman, she became beautiful. A degree of contentment and security had settled in her. She had fallen in love.

Dodie and Fred knew each other from church.\u00a0

\u201cI\u2019ve been going there for about 20 years,\u201d Dodie said. \u201cFred met one of our ladies there, and he married her five or six years ago. So that\u2019s how I knew Fred\u2014I knew his [second] wife, Joanne. We did church activities. Played cards and other stuff together. Then my husband died in 2019. Three years later, his wife died.\u201d

That was in September 2022.\u00a0

\u201cShortly after Joanne died,\u201d said Dodie, \u201cone of our friends called and said, \u2018Would you like to play Euchre tonight? We\u2019re missing one person.\u2019 And I said, \u2018Sure, but I don\u2019t know where you live.\u2019 And she said, \u2018Fred will pick you up.\u2019So Fred came over and picked me up, and we had a chance to talk a little bit. He said, \u2018How do you get past this? It hurts. How do you get over this?\u2019 I said, \u2018You just keep busy Fred. That\u2019s all you do. You just keep busy.\u2019\u201d

A seed was planted. It flourished over the next few months.\u00a0

\u201cThe next time we saw each other was probably at church,\u201d Dodie recalled. \u201cYou were talking about how you needed apples to go hunting. I said, \u2018I have apples. I\u2019ll drop them off at your house.\u2019 And I did.\u201d

That was November, deer season. Fred sat still and silent in his blind thinking about Dodie.\u00a0

\u201cShe knew that I baited deer with apples,\u201d he said. \u201cShe got some apples for me, and one day at church, she came up to me and she said, \u2018I\u2019ve got some apples for you.\u2019 And I said, \u2018Gosh, I really don\u2019t need them. I\u2019ve been getting apples out in an orchard, and I don\u2019t need them.\u2019 Well, I went hunting that evening. And I asked myself, \u2018Am I blind?\u2019 I said to myself, \u2018I was rude to her.\u2019 I\u2019m not a rude person. She went to the trouble of picking those apples and walking up to me and asked me if I wanted her apples. I said, \u2018No.\u2019 You think of a lot of things, waiting for a deer to come. Anyway, I left my blind and came over to Dodie and apologized to her for being rude.\u201d

Their relationship gathered strength after that. Lunch dates in Frankfort. On New Year\u2019s Eve, they watched the University of Michigan lose to Texas Christian University in a semifinal college football playoff game.

To people who have lived as long as Dodie and Fred\u2014two adults engaged in four previous marriages between them\u2014there is no mystery about the institution. They know all about the sacrosanct principles that make marriages work: patience, trust, collaboration, communication. They know more than most about trial and pain.\u00a0

What is enlightening about Dodie and Fred\u2019s relationship transcends that.\u00a0

It\u2019s about the merger of need and possibility, the strength that comes with strong bonds, built of shared experience. In simpler terms, Dodie and Fred know precisely what they are doing, because of who they are and where they have been.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0

On Superbowl Sunday, two days before Valentine\u2019s Day earlier this year, they spent the night together at Fred\u2019s house in Frankfort. The next morning, Dodie gave Fred a ride to the airport in Traverse City, where he caught a flight to Florida to meet his three brothers.

\u201cI promised to be a perfect gentleman, which I was,\u201d Fred said.

Dodie remembers it this way:\u00a0

\u201cHe invited me to come over and watch a football game. I said, \u2018Oh, I hope that doesn\u2019t come on too late, and it\u2019ll get me home real late.\u2019 He said, \u2018Might I make a suggestion?\u2019 I knew he had guestrooms there in the house. He said, \u2018You could pack a little bag and spend the night.\u2019 I said, \u2018Okay, I\u2019ll think about it\u2019 I went over there, and he said, \u2018Did you bring your nightgown?\u2019 I said, \u2018Yes. It\u2019s up to here,\u2019\u201d she said, pointing to her chin, \u201c\u2018and clear down to the floor.\u2019 I got ready for bed, and he said, \u2018I put all new linens on. I changed the beds and everything.\u2019 And I said,\u2019 Okay, where do I sleep?\u2019 I can still see him standing there. He said, \u2018With me. In my bed.\u201d

She continued:

\u201cI took a deep breath, and I thought, \u2018Okay, am I ready for this?\u2019 He said, \u2018I\u2019ve got pajamas, I\u2019m going to wear pajamas.\u2019 I had my nice long flannel nightgown on. You couldn\u2019t see through it or anything. We spent the night together, and the next morning we got up and had coffee and waffles. I had to take him to the airport. And I did not want to take him to the airport. I remember, I thought, \u2018Oh, I\u2019m gonna miss him. I\u2019m gonna miss him.\u2019\u201d

Fred shared that sentiment:\u00a0

\u201cThe romance kind of blossomed over the phone while I was in Florida. I proposed to her over the phone, long distance.\u201d

\u201cI said I would marry you tomorrow if you were here,\u201d Dodie said.

Fred continued:\u00a0

\u201cI was supposed to spend four weeks in Florida. At the end of three weeks, I called the airport, changed my flight, and came back. By that time, I had been calling her morning, noon, and night. When I came back from those three weeks in Florida, we decided that we were going to get married. But then the complications\u2014the complexities of finances and all that stuff\u2014made us decide we better, probably, just do it a little differently.\u201d

Commitment Decision<\/strong>
After learning from an attorney that a marriage under the law invited deep financial risks from a long illness if Fred and Dodie merged their assets, they decided to marry with a ceremony of commitment.

Dodie jokes that \u201cwe\u2019re shacking up.\u201d I laugh every time she says it, always with a slight smile on her face. It\u2019s a visible nod to her lifelong devotion to Methodist conventions, coupled with this thought going through her head: \u2018What would my mother say?\u2019 Fred doesn\u2019t utter a word. He\u2019s sure he and Dodie are on God\u2019s good side.

Dodie and Fred held their wedding event\u2014what retired Method Pastor Jim Boehm dubbed \u201ca covenant of love\u201d\u2014on September 2, 2023.\u00a0

Fred\u2019s daughter, Gail Tomko, organized a luncheon for their families and friends. On a bright and sunny late summer afternoon, Dodie\u2019s and Fred\u2019s families and friends filled White Owl Hall on the shore of Lower Herring Lake in Benzie County.

No wedding comes without drama, though.\u00a0

A bit erupted in Fred\u2019s family over an unwritten but apparently powerful rule about timing. After Fred announced their engagement, there was chatter.\u00a0

\u201cSome didn\u2019t take it well,\u201d he said. \u201cThey thought it was too soon. It was six months after my second wife had passed. The one who objected the most strongly was Joanne\u2019s first granddaughter, her first grandchild. She was very close to her grandmother. She just thought I was not, perhaps, honoring her with a proper distance between the relationships.\u201d

He continued:

\u201cJoanne died of leukemia. She was told right up front that it was terminal. She lived another 15 months, so we had time to talk about a lot of things. She made it very clear to me that she wanted me to get on with my life. We know what that means\u2014maybe meet another person. We both agreed we shouldn\u2019t be alone.\u201d

Fred and Dodie were unimpeded by the resistance.\u00a0

\u201cThere was a suggestion to wait for a year,\u201d Fred said. \u201cWhen you\u2019re 87, one year may be 75 percent of the rest of your life.\u201d

Precisely. Fred\u2019s pact with Dodie was fresh, powerful, and urgent. There was no reason to wait. Fred\u2019s children supported the marriage. Dodie\u2019s family was thrilled. As the commitment celebration approached, the chatter subsided. And afterward, Dodie received a sweet note from Fred\u2019s family.

Marriage in your 80s. It works.\u00a0

\u201cWe enjoy the same things,\u201d Dodie said. \u201cWe watch the same things on TV. We love each other.\u201d

Featured Photo Caption:<\/strong> Dodie Toman and Fred Snow married in September 2023. Photo by Gabrielle Gray.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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